Instead of demanding that they put on the jeans you've chosen, for example, let them choose between two pairs you've laid out. As they get older, they'll have more difficult decisions to make you can help them start now by giving them choices. Providing opportunities for your young child to make their own choices allows them to exercise their newfound autonomy in a controlled environment. To do this, you need to be attuned, calm, and sensitive, too. Time outs aren't rigid, and you don't need to set a timer for them instead, focus on calming down and helping your toddler build their own self-regulation tools. Remain calm and supportive, and stay nearby and available for comfort.ĭon't think of a time out as a punishment – think of it as a time where you can help your child calm down and take a break from the behavior that's causing the defiance. Rather than a punitive time-out, take your toddler to a comfy chair, a quiet spot on the playground, or a favorite corner of their bedroom where they can calm down. When you see your preschooler getting wound up and ready to throw a temper tantrum because they aren't getting their way, stop the action and help them cool off. Don't think of discipline as punishment, but as a way to teach your little one right from wrong – an important skill that will help them function in society down the road. It means teaching them to control themselves. Stay away from comments like, "You're so clumsy!" or "You're always getting in trouble."Īlso keep in mind that disciplining your defiant 4-year-old doesn't mean controlling them. It's important to make sure your words address the behavior and don't criticize your child as a person. Remember to keep your praise as precise and specific as possible, and focus on the effort your child put in, not the finished product.Īlthough you may be tempted to give your child a verbal lashing when they engage in antics that are less than desirable, try your best to think before you speak. Praiseworthy statements such as, "Thanks for hanging up your coat!" or "It's so helpful when you share with your baby sister!" will go a long way toward encouraging your child to do more of the same. Rather than paying attention to your preschooler only when they're having a hard time, try to catch them acting appropriately, too. Now, do you want to read a book together or color?" Reinforce good behavior (That includes letting them know that there aren't any exceptions or negotiations.) And then follow through: "I see you're having a hard time today with not throwing the blocks. Be specific and realistic, and be sure to take the time to really explain what each boundary means. If you're angry, use your words to say you want the toy back or hit this pillow instead or rip up this paper," or "Remember, you always have to hold my hand in the parking lot."Ĭhildren need to learn boundaries just like adults, and it's important to set the limits clearly with them. Preschoolers need – and even want – limits, so set them and make sure your child knows what they are. Teaching emotional regulation skills and responding to your child with calm and empathy will go a long way in curbing defiant behavior. The most important thing to remember is that children this age aren't typically making a conscious choice to misbehave – their defiant behavior is a side effect of them learning what the world is like, and how their big emotions and interactions fit into that. Tips and strategies for dealing with defiance in children A toddler's defiance may be frustrating, but it's more than likely developmentally appropriate, and is best handled as calmly as possible. Even older toddlers are driven by needs, wants, and impulses – and not logic like adults. They're eager to have control and be independent, which often results in defiance. Starting around 18 months, toddlers begin to understand that they're separate individuals from others and have their own thoughts and feelings. Until they've developed more impulse control and self-regulation (which starts to take more shape around 4 or 5 years old), their frustration may end up looking like defiance or out-of-control behavior, when it really isn't. And toddlers have big emotions, with not a lot of self-regulation or verbal skills to express those feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment, or sadness yet. As toddlers gain independence, they learn about the world by asserting that independence and testing their boundaries. It takes time for little kids to learn how to manage their frustrations and communicate them well. So, as hard as it might be for you when your preschooler or kindergarten acts out, know that it's very normal. Defiance is how a toddler or young child asserts themselves. They're not as dependent on you as they used to be, and they may even be developing a bit of a rebellious streak. As your child gets older, they start to develop a stronger and more secure sense of their own identity.
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